lazy saturday.

After a completely shitty Friday at work and the very sad news about the dolphin that died in the Gowanus, I woke up this morning with sadness still weighing heavy on me. Lover Man had work, so I was left to my own devices. Clearly, I called my mom and sister and texted with my amazing niece who always cheers me up. But I was still feeling bummed out, so I did a few things to calm myself.

1. I made a cuppa earl grey just the way I like it: sugar in the raw, soy milk. Belvita chocolate biscuits for a lunch of champions. Done. (Also, according to the sketchy dude at Teavana, earl grey is a natural antidepressant. Huzzah!)

cuppa_belvita

Nom nom nom.

2. I lit some candles to ward off the chill of this frigid day and the bad spirits of yesterday. Bringing in warmth, prosperity, hope and light.

candles_burning

Baby, baby, baby, light my way.

(Just out of frame here are my Squinkies,  by the way. Yes, I have them! They were a Christmas present from my mom, who knows I love Sleeping Beauty, Maleficent in particular.)

Sleeping_Beauty_Squinkies

Note how, in my version of events, Maleficent is queen. Just sayin’.

3. Whenever I am in a super funky mood, watching videos by British pop groups cheers me up. I know, weird, but it reminds me of the time I spent in England. It was a strange, confusing, magical time, the first time I felt free and broke out of the cage I felt I had been put in long ago. First, I caught up on the show Chasing the Saturdays. Their new single is okay, but I prefer their song Ego:

If we’re really talking British girl groups, the best one since the Spice Girls is clearly Girls Aloud. Their songs are pop perfection. Their reunion single, Something New, is brilliant, and I want all the clothes from the video (including the pants which, according to Kimberly, were made for her the day of the shoot!):

I also looked at some of my old photos of the Gowanus, such as this one of a mural by artist Pasqualina Azzarello. I really miss Brooklyn.revolutionary_war_azzarello

And now, as I prepare to work on my writing, I can’t say I feel perfect, but I feel a hell of a lot better. It seems the universe is already providing me with goodness. I finally got my copy of fellow Love Magick Anthology contributor Ashley Inguanta‘s wonderful book The Way Home in the mail. She is such an inspiration, and I can’t wait to curl up with another cuppa and her amazing words.

Now, to edit!

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i do not want this.

So…this is the mood I’m in today:

I want to know everything. I want to be everywhere. I want to fuck everyone in the world. I want to do something that matters!

I’m struggling to make myself heard, to finish all the stories I’m writing so I can begin new ones, to become more than I am right now. I know it’s not an overnight thing, but I am just so frustrated. I want to go hard at life, you know? I just want to make things better than they are now. I live for things like The Kindred Collective and my freelance work at HellaWella because that’s what makes me feel whole. The collective in particular has opened me up to being so creative and pushing myself artistically, and I love that. I’m tired of feeling stifled, I’m tired of fearing a life without stability. I just want to grab Lover Man, hop on a plane, in a car, train, whatever, and see the world. Eat new food, walk in a desert, breathe new air, swim in new water, I don’t know. SOMETHING. I know, how incredibly concrete of me, but that’s not the point. My entire life right now is based on planning and concrete actions. It’s nice to just dream about being impulsive, even if I’m far too neurotic to live a life of instability.

Maybe I need to just breathe and be thankful and know that I’m working at creating a more fulfilling life.

My friend Melanie often talks about what she is thankful for at her awesome blog, and I think it’s a great idea. She’s a fan of Things I Love Thursdays (or something to this effect, please correct me if I’m wrong, Melanie!), so I think I’m going to take that spirit and run with it:

I, jessaissomewhatdamaged, sincerely love (and am thankful for)

my family

Lover Man

my friends

tea

having a steady paycheck

having a writing gig other than my steady paycheck

The Kindred Collective

good music, particularly playlists

my awesome apartment

love!

books!

words!

movement!

glitter!

coffee! (Really hyped about coffee right now…maybe I should lay off the Bustelo.)

life!

Okay, I feel much better. So…another song, then? I love Ellie Goulding. Her voice, her beats, the feeling of possibility, even when her lyrics are melancholy. So…here goes.

[sic]

i love it!

Oh, Icona Pop. Thank you for creating the perfect song that makes me feel like jumping on my bed, wearing too much lip gloss, and dancing until my feet are blistered and my throat is coated in secondhand smoke and vodka.

relax, relate, release.

In my attempt to get my body readjusted to life after the holidays, I stumbled upon this bedtime yoga video from Sarah Beth Yoga, and I have to say, it is wonderful. It’s great for all levels, just gentle stretching and meditation, perfect for making sure I relax my body and prepare for a restful night’s sleep. I really am trying to become more aware of my body again and figure out how to balance all of the many components of my life; this is a good start.

It’s good to be om.

[sic]

seasons of love.

While 95% of the world is out getting drunk and merry making, Lover Man and I are home recuperating from the holidays and being old people who swig wine straight from the bottle and watch shitty music videos. This is not unlike what actually occurred on our first date. Soul mates for real. Anyway, dear readers, we have made it through another year, and whether your year was fucking horrendous or made of rainbows and sunshine and glitter, you are still here. (Mine  fell somewhere in the middle.) Opportunity awaits.

Speaking of…

I am so excited to be a part of The Kindred Collective, a collaborative art blog! I’ll be contributing weekly, along with some brilliant artists; come check it out!

My goal this year is to create more. Spread love, tell stories. Heal.

Rent holds a special place in my heart; it entered my life when I really didn’t know if I had the strength to peel myself off the floor and get past survival mode. I think about it every year around this time. Seasons of Love is a reminder for me to just keep going. Progress. Love.


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