i do not want this.

So…this is the mood I’m in today:

I want to know everything. I want to be everywhere. I want to fuck everyone in the world. I want to do something that matters!

I’m struggling to make myself heard, to finish all the stories I’m writing so I can begin new ones, to become more than I am right now. I know it’s not an overnight thing, but I am just so frustrated. I want to go hard at life, you know? I just want to make things better than they are now. I live for things like The Kindred Collective and my freelance work at HellaWella because that’s what makes me feel whole. The collective in particular has opened me up to being so creative and pushing myself artistically, and I love that. I’m tired of feeling stifled, I’m tired of fearing a life without stability. I just want to grab Lover Man, hop on a plane, in a car, train, whatever, and see the world. Eat new food, walk in a desert, breathe new air, swim in new water, I don’t know. SOMETHING. I know, how incredibly concrete of me, but that’s not the point. My entire life right now is based on planning and concrete actions. It’s nice to just dream about being impulsive, even if I’m far too neurotic to live a life of instability.

Maybe I need to just breathe and be thankful and know that I’m working at creating a more fulfilling life.

My friend Melanie often talks about what she is thankful for at her awesome blog, and I think it’s a great idea. She’s a fan of Things I Love Thursdays (or something to this effect, please correct me if I’m wrong, Melanie!), so I think I’m going to take that spirit and run with it:

I, jessaissomewhatdamaged, sincerely love (and am thankful for)

my family

Lover Man

my friends

tea

having a steady paycheck

having a writing gig other than my steady paycheck

The Kindred Collective

good music, particularly playlists

my awesome apartment

love!

books!

words!

movement!

glitter!

coffee! (Really hyped about coffee right now…maybe I should lay off the Bustelo.)

life!

Okay, I feel much better. So…another song, then? I love Ellie Goulding. Her voice, her beats, the feeling of possibility, even when her lyrics are melancholy. So…here goes.

[sic]

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4 comments

  1. lulurosethorne · January 24, 2013

    i feel this! what a fabulous list of things to be grateful for jessa 🙂 you’re doing it, and doing it well xoxxo

  2. jessa is somewhat damaged. · January 24, 2013

    Thank you, girl! ❤

  3. melaniekristy · January 25, 2013

    Yes yes yes! I completely agree with this and everything you’ve said here, Jessa! I’m also struggling with all of this because joist started my semester (about an hour ago) and while I know it’s bringing me closer to where I want to be, it’s also taking time and energy away from writing and playing and being. Things I Love Thursday is correct! I borrowed it from Fala Darling’s blog. She used to really encourage everyone to make a weekly love list and its something I need to focus on again. I didn’t even think to write one: realize it’s Thursday until I read this post so thank you for the reminder! Also! I love Ellie Goulding ❤

  4. veva525 · January 25, 2013

    I have honestly struggled with the impulse, while driving to work or running errands, to drive the opposite direction and not go back. I think of people like Joseph Campbell who lived in a cabin in the forest for five years and read all the books he could and wrote all he wanted and I think, “Yes. Something like that. I need that.” But there’s more to the path I’m on than I can possibly see right now. I just need to trust myself and the universe, light my candles and remember what it is to breathe again. ❤

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